Stefan & Vladimir Read My History Paper
by The Fourth Bride
Summary: Title says it all. It's better than it sounds. WARNING: Contains obscure nerdy historical references.


_In a draughty stone room, the last crumbling memory of the cornerstone of two empires, an inhumanly beautiful man systematically crushes loose masonry blocks in a vain attempt to destroy the evidence of decay. When a new stone falls from the rapidly deteriorating wall, Stefan screams in frustration and grief, launching the shard of granite over the horizon._

_But then, everyone has their own ways of coping.... Vladimir, for example, had locked himself in his ridiculously lavish room, and was currently engaged in throwing darts at an oversized picture of Istanbul. He already destroyed the Italian flag. Lunch whimpered in the corner. _

"Vlad, you have mail!" His brother's announcement caused Vladimir to miss the poster and kill Lunch. "Crap!" He exclaimed as his meal shrieked in pain, before keeling over. "I was looking forward to that! Oh well." The immortal shoved his hand into his victim's chest, tore out the heart, tilted back his head and squeezed. The blood streamed down his face, spattering ominously onto the chilly stone floor, and staining the cream floor cushions. Wiping his mouth ineffectually on his tattered sleeve, Vladimir stalked downstairs.

Stefan sighed when he saw his brother. "Honestly Vladimir, do you really need to make such a mess?"

Vladimir grinned bitterly "You have to find amusement where you can."

"True. Which is why _this_ is so interesting." Stefan held up an unassuming white paper.

"What is it?" Vladimir asked reluctantly, he would much rather be upstairs with his darts.

"An essay." Stefan paused dramatically "... About YOU."

Vladimir perked up immediately. An ego the size of Brazil will do that for you. "Oooh, lemme see, lemme see!

_**Vlad Tepes.**_

_**The Man. The Legend. The Impaler.**_

"Someone has a fan."

"Shaddup."

_**Vlad Tepes of Wallachia should be recognized as one of the most influential people in human history...**_

"Finally!"

_**for his immortal...**_

"Ha ha, pun intended."

"_Shut up_ Stefan!"

"Sorry, Sorry..."

_**contribution to global culture, and for his passion for his home and people. This essay will demonstrate the point that, while not necessarily causing any permanent changes at the time, Vlad's single minded dedication and ferocity are worthy of recognition.**_

"_He_ certainly thinks so."

"Stefan."

"Yeah, yeah... Keep reading!"

_**Vlad Tepes was born into the Dr**__**ă**__**cule**__**ş**__**ti branch of the Wallachian royal family, The House of Basarab, in 1431 AD. At the age of five he was sworn in as a member of 'The Order of the Dragon' from which his family derived its name. The order was a society of Romanian nobles sworn to defend Wallachia against the Ottoman Turks. Vlad's mother and father, Vlad II Dracul and Princess Cheinja of Hungary, were both slain by the Turks when they invaded and conquered Wallachia. It was after this that Vlad began his lifelong campaign against the Ottoman Empire. **_

"Goddamn... Frickin'... TURKS!"

"O....Kaaaay... That wasn't scary at all..."

"Not funny."

_**Vlad achieved many things over the course of his life. **_

"And unlife... OW! That was uncalled for!"

_**While most people remember him for the burnings, massacres, live burials, hat-nailing, cannibalism, forced labour and, most memorably, impalements,-**_

"Wow, you've changed a lot_..._"

"You never learn."

_**he also managed to unite what was, at the time, one of the world's most conflicted countries under a single ruler. By all accounts, he devoted his entire life from the time he was five years old, to defending the Eastern Roman empire from Turks, Saxons and Goths.**_

"And _how_ did they choose to thank me? By destroying my undead empire, that's how! Bloody, ungrateful Italians, think they know everything...."

"We've been over this Vlad, ranting is pointless."

"Right. Pointless."

_**He also considered his vows to defend Wallachia against its enemies to be of greater importance than personal relationships, even pitting his armies against those of his brother, Radu, after he had betrayed his own vows and sided with the Turks against Wallachia. Vlad's final accomplishments, however, took place long after his death,...**_

"In more ways than one..."

"Stefan."

"I know, I'll shut up."

"You better."

_**as his bloody exploits inspired what is considered by many to be one of history's greatest literary works, and, though most people don't know him by name, there is hardly a child in the world who hasn't heard his nickname.**_

"And a bloody nuisance it is too! Tourists traipsing all over the castle at all ungodly hours of the day and night, poking their greasy noses in our rooms..."

"Vlad. Ranting."

"Right. Sorry."

_**Vlad's impact on his own time was not nearly as notable as the trail of myths and legends he left behind, **_

"Especially after _becoming_ a myth."

"Hey, you want to read it?"

"Actually, yes."

"Well you CAN'T!"

"Okay, okay. Yeesh!"

_**his most impressive feats being military and political rather than social, moral or artistic,...**_

"Definitely not moral..."

_(Snap)_

"Hey! That was my favourite chair!"

"I know."

_**and therefore not as popular with a modern audience. He did achieve many military victories, the most famous of which was his retaking of Wallachia from the Turks, during which he mercilessly slaughtered the established nobles, or 'Boyars' of the D**__**ă**__**ne**__**ş**__**ti branch of the House of Basarab. It was during this conquest that Vlad gained his bloodthirsty reputation, his most famous method of execution being the gradual impalement of the victim on a blunted and oiled stake, which was driven through their bodies as they were stretched between two horses. Some of his less known – but just as painful – execution methods included nailing nobles' hats to their heads, starving people until they ate their friends and relatives alive...**_

"Possibly going through a transition period of rats and flies before resorting to cannibalism..."

"I am _never_ going to live that down."

_**and locking people in a room which was then burned to the ground. It was also at this time that Vlad forced the man who killed his father to dig his own grave, read his own service and lie in the grave while he was buried alive. **_

"That one was always my favourite. Creativity is _so_ rare..."

"I swear, Stefan, if you don't shut up soon..."

_**Vlad's other notable achievements were political, specifically, forming solid alliances with Hungary and successfully re-establishing Eastern Europe as a part of the Roman Empire. The one achievement that most anyone who has studied the crusades automatically associates with Vlad Tepes, however, is the taking of Serbia from Wallachia, for it was during this conquest that he became famous for the indiscriminate slaughter of common people. In Vlad's own words, "**__**I have killed men and women, old and young... 23,884 Turks and Bulgarians without counting those whom we burned alive in their homes or whose heads were not chopped off by our soldiers..." **__**Vlad 'The Impaler' Tepes. **_

"I remember that. Good times..."

"For once, brother, I agree. They screamed wonderfully.."

_**The legacy left by Vlad III of Wallachia is perhaps the most impressive collection of folklore and literature inspired by one man, especially since so little is known about him personally. Since most of his noted achievements are military, there is little information regarding him besides his ferocity and patriotism. Perhaps it is this notable lack of confirmed facts which has left room for superstition, speculation and fear, and created a legend whose power and cruelty are far greater than those of the man himself. **_

"I resent that."

_**Though the image we in the western world call to mind when Vlad III is mentioned is one of a power crazed murderer who slaughtered entire townships without batting an eyelid, this perspective is mostly inspired by Turkish folklore, which paints him as a callous monster used by parents to send their children to bed. **_

"You see what I'm reduced to! A boogie monster! Bah!"

_**The Romanian folklore regarding Vlad is rather more flattering, casting him in the light of a hero fighting to protect his family and country. One of the most famous stories based on the life and times of Vlad Tepes is the touching tale of how, when she received news that Vlad had been imprisoned and that Wallachia was lost to the Turks, his first wife, whose name is not recorded, leapt to her death into a tributary of the Arges River. The tributary was named Raû Doamnei, or the lady's river, in her honour. This tale is still told in Romania to this day. **_

"Ha! That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard! Vladimir, can you believe what they're saying about you? Vlad... are you okay?"

"SHUT UP! You don't know ANYTHING, she was worth ten of you, you miserable bastard!"

_**Vlad was eventually killed in 1476 in battle against the Ottoman Turks and his head was sent to Sultan Mehmed II in Constantinople as proof that the Impaler was finally dead.**_

"How _did_ you get your head back, anyway?"

"Ugh. I would rather not relive that particular experience. Let's just say it involved a lot of nausea on my part. Pig carts are definitely _not_ somewhere you want to spend an extended period of time."

"Eww."

"My thought exactly."

_**Vlad's descendants continued to rule in Wallachia until 1642, when Vovoide Alexandru Coconul failed to produce offspring, and the rule was passed to the Danesti line.**_

"Hey, I remember Alex! Wasn't he gay?"

"Do NOT mention that name in my presence! Worthless, lazy, good-for-nothing..."

"Vlad. You're doing it again."

"Sorry."

_**Through his devotion and single minded ferocity, Vlad III inspired authors, playwrights and storytellers. His legendary tale created an entire subculture which has survived for hundreds of years. Vladimir III Tepes Dracula of Wallachia proved that one man can gain true immortality in the minds and imaginations of the world.**_

"As well as immortality in _other_ ways..."

"Hey, you don't hear me making fun of you, Mr. Gypsy prince Razvan."

"Well, actually...."

"Shut up, Hobo, I'm reading!"

"See what I mean..."

_**After Vlad's death, Wallachia was, ironically, overrun by Goths. His body was never recovered.**_

"Oh, gee, I wonder why that was?"

"Argh. I'm not even going to bother anymore."

"Good plan."

"THAT'S IT! I'm calling Elizabeth, you're staying with the Bathory's until I feel like stomaching the sight of you again."

"Oh, God no. Anything but that!"

"Too late."

"But she's crazy! I mean, even for a vampire, that's just EVIL."

"They don't call her the Blood Countess for nothing."

"You two should get together."

"Hm. That's not a bad idea. GO PACK!"


End file.
